Papa turns 56!!!

Today papa turns 56! Many a time papa celebrated b'day outside home, as he was working for the para-military forces. But this time, its different. We're away from home - so the feeling is a bit different. Anyway, here's a poem that suits pa so much...

Dad,
Every year, your birthday reminds me
how grateful I am that you are my father.
With all that’s going on in the world today,
I’m thankful I get to watch you,
to look up to you, being an example of a good man.
What a privilege it is to observe your strength,
your competence, and your kindness.
I am so blessed to be under your wing,
your protection, your care,
learning important life lessons from you.
If all fathers were like you,
the world would be a very different
and much better place.
Happy Birthday, Dad,
from your admiring son(s).

- Joanna Fuchs

Surnames - male domination the subtler way

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
- Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet: Act II, Scene ii

Surnames have been around for a long time now. Though still construed to be a kind of identification, surnames in their own subtle way, actually end up destroying a woman's identity. In fact a lot other stuff also contribute to this, but not so powerfully. For example, take the way a woman is addressed. It seems the honorific used to address a woman always depends on her relationship with a man. An unmarried woman is Miss, a married woman is Mrs. and a divorced or widowed woman is Mz (thankfully this honorific is almost extinct these days). Though the neutral Ms. has become popular, many suppose it should only be used for unmarried women. Though it seems to be a rather trivial issue, its implications are serious. The honorifics subtly imply that a Miss is her Father's property, a Mrs. is her husbands property, whereas a Mz. is yet to find her owner. Yet a man is always a Mr., no matter his marital status. What nonsense!

Maybe Shakespeare got it wrong. Its true of course that there's a lot in a name, certainly not in the context of Shakespeare's play. Surnames define an individual's identity. Yet they are almost universally based on the Father's name - either the child's father or the mother's father. I'm yet to meet someone with a mother's name for a surname. Still worse is the logic of most governmental institutions that almost by default ask for a father's/husband's name as if a mother had no role to play in the child's development. The story goes on with the society expecting and often compelling a newly married woman to adopt her husbands surname. Its ironically funny that when Miss A marries Mr. B, Miss A becomes Mrs. B overnight. Miss A suddenly ceased to exist. Family and friends never care to ask her if she had adopted her husband's surname. Whether she likes it or not, everyone start addressing her as Mrs. B.

The worst starts when a child is born. It is no secret as to how much pain the woman goes through to give birth to a child. Yet, every child is assumed to have the father's name suffixed. In the most feminist case the mother's father's name is suffixed, usually in a double-barrel-ed way - that leaves the child in a rather difficult position to fill application forms. I still wonder why a child cannot have a mother's name for a surname?! Why can't governmental organizations ask for father's name and mother's name instead of father's/husband's name? Why can't society have a neutral honorific for women? Will our male-dominated patriarchal society ever change?

Well, only time can tell. But for now, I can only reiterate that
If you are female, if you are feminist, you are FREE!

Thanks Dad!

So, today is Father's day. For the first time that I'm away from home, such days suddenly have gained a lot of importance. Anyway, I'm just too thankful to God for having blessed me with such a wonderful Papa. His gentle care has always moved me, and still does. I remember the time when he used to wake me up with a cup of tea or coffee during my exams when everyone else would be fast asleep. I remember how he always made sure that I never even had to pay my mess dues but would pay them himself. I remember the time when he would drop me off and pick me up at a summer camp during school days. I remember the time when we tearfully embraced each other as he left home after summer holidays to resume office at a distant place in northern India. I remember how he chose to quit his job early so he could be at home with us. I just remember the time when a personal disaster took me by storm and he made sure that I was emotionally stable. I remember the time when I did really something bad and he defended me the way only he can. I remember the time when people told me that I had sinned and he stood by my side and told that I spake the truth. I remember the time...

Here below is one of my favorite songs that suits him so perfectly. And I remember the time...


When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

- Rolf Lovland & Brendan Graham

False accusations of men falsely so called

[This is quite an old article. But it seems the whole world thinks that its so bad for a few men to be falsely accused than for a million women to be really abused - which is the reason behind quoting this article. What a shame on our society! This article was taken from here]

Women are Unbelievable!

Accusations of False Allegations Result in Dangerous Consequences

Joan Dawson (joanied40)

“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes”

“Women are unbelievable!” Really. I mean that quite literally. Don’t believe me? I was prepared for that. I will share with you what I have learned over the past three or four years of my research: Women today are not believed in court. This is nothing new, actually. Women’s credibility has always been questioned, historically as well as currently. But today, with the aid of the Internet, the propaganda that fuels this bias can be churned out quickly and efficiently. Public perception can be changed readily. This includes changing the perceptions of the media, policy makers, law makers, and, yes, even judges, impartial as they’re supposed to be.

Domestic Violence Claims

When women allege domestic violence in family court, often, they are not believed. In fact, they may even be punished. In today’s courts where “friendly parent policies” and fathers rights reign, women that allege abuse appear “unfriendly” and unlikely to share parenting responsibilities. Heck, if they’ve been battered, they may even look “unfriendly.” They may have depression, anxiety or post-traumatic stress syndrome. Battered women often present poorly, while batterers, on the other hand, may actually appear quite charming. If she seems “unfriendly,” though, the judge may decide to award custody to the parent most likely to share parenting: Often, the batterer.

If she cannot provide sufficient evidence of her abuse, she can be fined, jailed or lose custody for making “false allegations.” Of course, it can be difficult to produce witnesses or evidence of abuse. She may not have reported the abuse to the police before, and, when a woman alleges abuse for the first time in family court, a huge red flag comes up. They think she is a “vindictive liar,” trying to “manipulate the court.” The abuse, however, may have been the factor that pushed her into divorce proceedings. Moreover, separation is a dangerous time for women and it may be the first time the violence had taken place. None of these reasons point to vengeance.

If she alleges abuse and is not believed, she may take matters into her own hands. She may go to jail instead of turning her children over to an abuser. She may flee the state, or even the country to protect her children.

If she takes no action, further abuse or murder may ensue. Just recently, a case of a murder-suicide hit the news. The woman sought a restraining order from THREE different judges. None of them believed her. The result? The father killed their nine-month-old infant and himself.

Now, keep in mind, too, that this is family court we’re talking about. This is where couples with conflict and interpersonal violence come to settle their custody decisions. Most couples (~85%) don’t need family court; they make their parenting plans themselves. Thus, the cases that go to family court often have some kind of conflict, yet there seems to be a reluctance on the part of the family court system to admit this.

Child Abuse Claims

The allegation that women make false child abuse claims out of vengeance circulates widely on the Internet. An overlap exists between domestic violence and child abuse. Many batterers are abusive towards their children (and pets), too. And, just bearing witness to a mother’s abuse causes sufficient harm to children.

However, these days, if women make claims of child abuse in court, they are often countered with claims of parental alienation syndrome (PAS). PAS is the idea that one parent (typically the mother) poisons the mind of the child against the other parent. It has many flaws:

? It was created by Dr. Richard Gardner, considered pro-pedophilia

? It was self published by Dr. Gardner

? The American Psychological Association notes the “lack of data” and raises “concern” about the term

? Dr. Gardner thought “vengeful wives” and “hysterical mothers” were the cause of problematic relationships between fathers and their children

? It is far too simplistic and does not consider other plausible explanations for a relationship breakdown in divorce

? It can be used without any evidence in court

? It masks child abuse (Has the child been abused or has the child been alienated?)

So, the woman claims child abuse and the man counters with PAS (men almost exclusively use PAS). Who does the judge believe?

? Evidence from Harvard shows abusers use PAS and get away with it.

? The Leadership Council on Child Abuse estimates that 58,000 children each year come into unsupervised contact with parents that have physically or sexually abused them.

Research shows around 1-9% of child abuse allegations are deliberately false and somewhat more than that are mistakenly false. Research (see Bala & Schumann) also finds that men actually make more false allegations (the most common allegation being neglect of children) than women in family court. Nonetheless, stereotypes have more branding power than research.

Rape Claims

Last and somewhat unrelated to family court but still pertaining to violence, women who allege rape are often not believed. When I attended a rape crisis training last year, the first thing we were taught was to believe the individual (man or woman) because one of their biggest fears is that they won’t be believed. Indeed, statistics bear this out.

In the US, only 13% of rape charges will end in conviction. (In the UK, it is only 5.7 %.) Rape survivors are aggressively questioned as if they were the assailants. They are generally mistrusted and often judged more by bias than by evidence. If she was married (and the perpetrator was her husband) or drunk, her odds of being believed plummet even further.

In cases of rape, which do have the highest number of false allegations, the rates, depending on who you ask, waver between 3-8%. Yet, we hear more about false accusations of rape than information on how underreported it is. Sympathy has shifted from the abused to the accused.

So, yes, women are unbelievable. I have studied this topic for several years now, seeking evidence of women being “vindictive liars” or “deceptive” or “malicious.” I’ve come upon plenty of anecdotal evidence from angry men. But, I’ve never heard anyone question *their* credibility. Why is it that they are believed when they claim that women falsely accuse them? Does anyone bother to ask: How many men would admit to using violence? Research shows batterers deny their abuse and it’s not until they admit it that, much like an alcoholic, they can change.

I’ve happened upon sites, and there are many, devoted entirely to “beating false allegations” or discrediting women. Most of them are downright misogynist, like this one that proclaims:

"False memory, false sexual abuse claims, vengeance, are all the diseases of women." (www.canlaw.com/rights/fathers.htm )

Even the Innocence Project, an expert in the area of helping innocent prisoners, does not mention intentionally false accusations as a leading cause of wrongful convictions. In contrast, they do list “false confessions” in their top seven list. If women were such vindictive creatures that “falsely imprison innocent men,” you would think the Innocence Project would be on to this, wouldn’t you?

Now, all of this is not meant to say that there are never any false allegations in court. (There are…and they are from both men and women…and they are not as common as they are purported to be.) What I am saying is that women’s credibility is being harmed, with disastrous consequences (for both women and children). We cannot give women justice in courtrooms that are heavily biased against them to begin with.

And, this is not to say that fathers don’t have their own issues with divorce and custody proceedings. Believe me, I have read all about them. Nor is it an opportunity to paint all men as abusive ? they are not. However, family court is handling allegations of abuse unjustly and this should be a concern to both men and women alike. None of us want to see children come into contact with a parent that physically or sexually abused them. And, nobody wants to see a parent punished for making a good faith accusation in order to protect their children.

All allegations of abuse should be taken seriously. They should be documented, investigated and given weight in court. And, even without the sufficient evidence, individuals who report in good faith should not be punished for failing to provide enough witnesses or evidence. Punishment deters reporting. This has horrific consequences for our justice system and the nation’s public health.

The majority of women are not intentionally fabricating stories to harm men. I have yet to see evidence of this. On the contrary, I have read research that states the majority of claims can be substantiated. And, moreover, I’ve heard from women themselves who’ve been abused and not believed. Women who have not only been battered but who have also been fined, jailed or denied custody. I’ve heard from women, who, like myself, don’t even bother to report rape. These women can be any one of us. Martin Luther King said, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” The injustice of this unfair stereotype that women are unbelievable is an injustice to us all and can thwart any woman’s pursuit of justice in the courtroom today. Yes, women are unbelievable, but it should be for the many accomplishments and positive traits they possess!

For further information:

www.stopfamilyviolence.org

www.leadershipcouncil.org

www.innocenceproject.org

The Stephen Garcia case: http://www.vvdailypress.com/news/order-17122-bid-rejected.html

Momma and Pappa celebrate 24th anniversary!

This day, twenty-four years ago, Mom and Dad entered a covenant that has stood the test of time, space and distance. Their love for each other, I feel has been tried in every possible way. And they have, strongly and successfully demonstrated that love, true love only wins. Of course, they never fight - they just talk loud! But over the years, they have been the best mom and dad a child could ever know.

We never know
Or fully realize
How sweet and kind our parents are,
How gentle and how wise

We simply take for granted,
From day to passing day,
Each sacrifice they make for us
In their own loving way.

But then we grow and finally learn,
The way that children do,
How much their love has really meant,
How thoughtful they've been, too -

And so this comes with all the thanks
You both deserve and more.
For there aren't two dearer parents
Than the one this poem's for

- Anonymous

Thank you momma!

Today is mother's day. I've always wondered why mother's day is always on a Sunday. Well, there is certainly something divine about it - pardon my Christian upbringing! Momma to me had always been someone very special. Someone who always made me believe that I could achieve something. To be very honest, I was never a bright student in any time of my academic career, but momma always told me that I was intelligent and could really make it big in life. Today as I look back, twenty-three second Sundays of May has rolled by - along with the many million sacrifices momma had made for me. It might take the rest of my life to give her back what she gave me. And it overwhelms me when I think that her love had never asked for any thing in return.

She just loves me. She cares because she loves. I can't imagine a life without momma. It would be so difficult if there is no one to lean on, no shoulder to cry on, no lap to sleep on and above all, no heart to trust on. I just know, I don't say believe - that momma had been the best person I've ever met, the best thing that ever happened to me and the only heart I really trust. I'd just like to add the lyrics of a poem - only that the roles are reversed here - this poem was written by a daughter to her dad, but I always think of momma when I read this poem. This poem went on to fame when Celine Dion made a song out of it. Any here it goes, best describing how I feel about momma,

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cornerstone of every house
Is the most important part
Its not laid on the earth
But in the mother's heart.
- Lydia Jackson

And of course,
Men are what their mothers made them - Emerson

Why should women cook at their in-laws place?!

I had an interesting, or should I say irritating discussion this morning. One of my friends was more than convinced that his wife should cook at HIS parents' home. I was rather too surprised to learn that he himself had never cooked at his own home. And it was too much for me to digest that he expected his would be wife to!

Worse than all, he defended his position. And it was quite simple. My wife would be a woman. A woman should know cooking. And it simply follows that a cook who is a woman and is his wife should cook for his family members too. Which woman would accept his proposal is an interesting event to watch for. But what surprises is that he has the heart to expect all this.

No, my friend isn't from the half-baked kind you imagine. He's an accomplished experienced and financially stable officer, with knowledge good enough to stir you up. But the conversation, or debate we had this morning proved to me beyond a shadow of doubt that male dominated culture/attitude still prevails even in affluent and literate circles.

I was further shocked to learn that many of my friends held a similar view, even women thought it was okay - and that was a bit disgusting. Of course, this conversation led to further shocking revelations. Someone said that even though he was quite a flirt, he would never tolerate his wife seeing anyone else. Men have that right, he believes. I promised myself that if I happen to be a daughter's father, she'd grow to be the toughest feminist this planet has ever seen!

So hard to say goodbye

Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.
- Romeo and Juliet Act 2, Scene 2

Its been one and a half months since I've left home for Mumbai. On the outside life has been going as good as ever. With friends for colleagues and an amicable office atmosphere, things can't be more better. But in the inside I really don't feel like having left home. I still haven't really said goodbye to my family back at Coimbatore. They're still close to my heart, their breath still brushes my face each time the wind blows.

Everything just goes around and round. I take a train at 7:45 and reach my place an hour and a half later. The journey is so awfully long that I sometimes need two newspapers to pass the time. The return journey is just as long and consumes another newspaper. The railway stations are so crowded that sometimes I wonder if all of India had suddenly migrated to Mumbai. Sometimes when I stand back to watch the crowd, it seems so awfully funny - people scurrying everywhere, all the time. Everyone is so busy, someone drops his bag and spends a quarter of an hour to pick it up. 'This is Mumbai,' quips a friend.

As I walk back to my sixth floor flat, I reminisce my sweet hometown, Coimbatore. A quiet and a calm place, a distant cry from the hustle and bustle of Mumbai. I often long for that night walk on my terrace, those cauliflower fry vendors and sugarcane stalls on the road side. People never ran there, they always walk, so unlike Mumbai. Yet for all that, Mumbai is a place where everyone feels at home. There's something so unique about this place that no one regrets for having come here.

Mom calls every other day to check out if I had my breakfast, lunch and dinner. Dad still recharges my prepaid connection. My brother Clarence is still my best friend ever. Life may never take me back to my sweet home. In fact, even I dont miss home that much after all - for there is always a world of dreams and illusions where I still sleep on momma's lap, where dad still prepares apple shakes and I still play chess with my brother.

We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.
- The Tempest Act 4, Scene 1

Momma turns 50!

Momma turns 50 today. Unfortunately this happens to be the first time, I'm not with Momma. As you would find all over my cyberspace, men are what their mothers made them. And I am no exception to that rule. My relationship with momma had always been one of a friendship - we've played together, prayed together, why, even argued every other day. To be very honest I'm more thankful to God for my mother than for anything else in my life. So great to have a mom like mine. Well you can always say the same about yours! On this lovely day my only wish and prayer is that, God might grant me the privilege to cherish this wonderful relationship for a long time to come.

The cornerstone of every house
Is the most important part
Its not laid upon the earth
But in a mother's heart
- (I've forgotten the poet's name :D)